(भेटाउने गोरेटो, छुटाउने दोबाटो)
The moment you hopped in the return bus, every step I trod away from you back to my house felt like I was stepping away from my home paradoxically. Still envious of the bus who saw us, which got fueled at the gas station and took you away to the other extremity of the country, 700 kilometers away approx. (which I recall from what you googled earlier -😊). I will be livid when the bus will return in a day or two from Nepalgunj but without you. Reminiscing the magical moment, we shared, the closer I approach my house the farther I feel away from home which is devoid of your warmth now in this chilly weather. Trudging back to my house with a heartful of memories we conjured in this short span of time; I finally reached my unruly and adamant house-gate and was able to lock the gate smoothly this time pausing for a second and it dawned on me what if my gate also didn’t want you to leave when he refused to get locked twice before at your departure, which I eventually gave up and leaving it open as if it was his wish to not see you leave and leave his doors always open for you.
I finally dashed into my room only to find you everywhere…I see the two of us right in front of the mirror moments before when I was buttoning my shirt and trying to derive comfort in my attire, and when you stepped in and effortlessly fold a layer of my half shirt’s sleeve outward to make it more appealing and help me realize how you navigated me to rediscover the old blissful me that was hidden just a fold away.
I look around…
I see two of us making love to each other
I see you creating harmony in the chaos and breaking the monotony of the silent cycle with your melodious heartfelt songs that connoted how you feel at that moment.
I see us transported from Budapest to Vienna and getting immersed in the conversation of Jesse and Celine, eerily similar to ours.
I see us funneling and unloading our emotions on each other with tears rolling down our cheeks as the night grew old. We consumed each other’s words sip by sip and we got drunk in bliss.
I see each other giving our best hugs to each other and retreating and taking refuge in each other’s warmth before leaving.
And finally, I see how gently you pulled my mother’s shawl to wipe your foggy glass before you bid her farewell just an hour before…It touched my heart and it reminded me of how I pulled fraction of your wisdom to see things better with more clarity and deals things wisely.
Thanks for fixing my moral compass.
The night slowly grew old and I didn’t realize when I submitted my manacled hands to you hoping you would help me who was like a clueless innocent child and how steadily you freed me from the handcuff tied around my hands by everyone trying to mold me since my childhood. And by the next day when the dawn had broken, BEFORE SUNRISE, I realized you had just set part of me free and let me be myself. I felt liberated. I felt so present. I knew you right off the bat from the moment I first heard your compassionate voice clip.
Thanks for cutting off the painful rope tied to the incessant chatter of my head and pulling me back to the present. My senses were wide awakened, enough to notice the only incomplete diamond pattern threaded in the mosquito net I slept in for years which finally stood out in the monotony of the sea of identical patterns. And finally, I acknowledge how it dared to stand aside from the crowd and serve its own existence.
I then see the two of us with Tikas on our forehead returning this morning on my birthday from Sansari Maisthan, a temple I stopped visiting decades ago. I recall visiting the same temple every birthday as a child with my guardian but this time it was you after nearly a decade. As they say, God is the space between us, so thanks for bridging the space and letting me one step close to god. Days before when I felt there’s no end to the tunnel, you illuminated my darkness with a single ray of light resurrecting my spirit again. Thank you for making my 25th birthday so special.
Settling scores at 2–4, the game did end for now but I hope we can continue playing this game I would like to call… “Embrace your flaws” which I won owing to my clumsiness.
Just how you refused to stop holding my hand and kept on clenching my fists the tightest you can no matter how hard people around scrutinized us when we were strolling around, I hope likewise you will continue supporting and be the wonderful person you are and never let others dull your sparkle and free-spirit because It feels free to be in the middle of individuals who are already free. Just how you planted a caressing kiss on my cheeks while commuting back home in a rickshaw made me believe again that I can be cared for and respected for what I truly am and people close to me won’t disown me for my sexual identity or the oddball I am, in a public domain. This day and your presence shall always be treasured. I shall forever be grateful. My heart still chants the word “flour”, that you only know why?. Please stay happiest no matter wherever you feel.
